F a e r n In The W o r k s

As Lunar New Year is upon us I find myself taking in a lot of new energy. A lot of things are changing around me and I am implementing some pretty necessary alterations (around some other things that still go un-rectified) so, in a sense, these are yet again doubly-transitional times, but stable at the same time, it is so interesting. All I really can do is just keep going and have the faith that what I’m doing will get me where I need to be- or better yet that what I am doing can eventually take away that need to “get anywhere”.

For a while I have been humming and hawing over what my next post should be about… I wanted to do a “re-cap” post sorta thing, but that’s not happening anymore. I also wrote “11 things I learned In 2011″ which really ending up translating too “Let’s get that last bitch in” so that will stay in the journal. There’s a lot of things going on, a lot at once, most up in the air, so it’s hard to choose WHAT to talk about, and then from what perspective- because the “hierarchy” has been removed.

This new “open-ness” has left a lot of “space” in the place that used to be filled with confusion. This is not to say that I have found ANY answer, only that the answers have changed. That which was here, is still here- but coupled with a new knowledge that if I don’t keep going- shoving these puzzled pieces in their spot- everything stops. Clamoring around in nostalgia is a killer, and wondering if things will come out ok, futile. For almost two years now I have been on one side or another of festering. Yes, grieving is an important process- a lot of things happen around that. Defining “loss” is exponential and if there were one tip, one little bit of advice, it would be to not confuse personal resentments with your grieving. take that as you like it.

I allowed my grief to take control of my life. I have dealt with a lot of loss over the years, but I have never really grieved. In the past (almost) two years I took the time to pay attention to my feelings around the deaths of each monumental passing. Awesome, right? haha, No. I mean, yes, great to finally do that, but not so great expecting to maintain my life while doing so. I effectively lost my “day job”, played ping pong with my health, lost contact with the rest of my family, bent a rib having a panic attack (did you know you could bend a rib? no? neither did I) But it ws when I started to question art making that the depth of the problem became apparent.

Not to say that the other stuff isn’t important, it’s just that in order for my life to become my “own” I get to deal with this first because in the end, ultimately, we stand alone. All of these things came to light rather quickly. But, Questioning making art? What? How can I sit here with a strait face and say that? The ONE thing that is such a major part of me, that has been here the whole time, was in danger of falling into the “Depths of Despair” – never to be seen again except in mechanical process. That I would allow my feelings revolving around loss (both death and misunderstanding) control the effectiveness of my future… I’ve had plenty of that, thanks, but NOW that this is such a big black pool of emotion that I can see now, I’m considering that I can avoid this part of my shadow some now. Rapidity of transitioning aspects creates an urgency to get shit off my chest in some way. To directly face my own anxiety and what comes with that. To just stand.