There is some trick; I am convinced, to being alive in San Francisco. Each day I wonder. Each day starts with a level of unsure ness. All that seems to be happening is a certain amount of constant re-arranging. It is tiring. Basically it is some “journal” and I spending too much time together. I have become void in the face of re-arranging my business. It takes all of me not to scrap it all, but then just thinking that hurts. The past few weeks have been so darn confusing, and as I said, tiring. Everyone always said not to go into the arts, over and over. This consistent disrespect for my being has been so deeply ingrained that when someone pays no respect to me it just falls in line with that. And, quite frankly, that is most unacceptable than anything else & I have been letting it happen. I’ve allowed myself to be void and now I am struggling to come back from it. A thick swampy void. For a while, it was as if I had forgotten all that means anything to me. Lost it all. Void.
To work within the void is where the “trick” lives. That this void is actually space – takes some faith. That this void is not loss – takes some talking into. That the way this void is highlighting so many in congruencies between my Self and the work I’m doing, what I am doing and whom I am doing it with is important, uncomfortable, but very important. Nothing new persey – just an active game of hide and seek compiled with some self respect. In the void I was in “re-examination mode”, but in a way that developed with some extra reality.
Removing certain “services” from my repertoire for 2012 and adding in some things that serve me on another level. This is hard for me, it is easy to believe that someone that is focused in the way I am has already been functioning on this level – but I’m here to tell you, it is a learned trait. It is really important to me that my (Art)work and my life are able to coincide and then, on top of that, income created. These are not the same things. For so long I have been looking at these things as if they were the same, but it is 100% not, related- yes, the same, no. Art vs. Artistic. Period.
Where was I? OH right, The Void. This place is really uncomfortable, pretty much sucks for a while, as for it’s “agitating” qualities.
But, without this void, all is really nothing.
{image courtesy of Clean Socks Project}
Over the past few weeks things have done this thing- a shift. Some unidentifiable exposure finding new comfort in old statements. Overturning criticism implanted, but in a way that has created a certain amount of gratitude. Sure, there is a sense of loss- but really it’s more like a sense of relief. It only takes a second for my mind to wander and then to fall into itself. But, I am not so allowing in that area anymore. But now, for example somehow I finally don’t have to always feel a sense of despair when I think about my mom. For so long I have had to sift through rampant emotions in order to just access any memory of her. Which I am grateful for – in a major way… but this isn’t supposed to be about that… I havn’t been able to ramble on my blog for a while. I have been busy working on conquering within myself- addressing personal concerns directly taking the time to really see.
