There is some trick; I am convinced, to being alive in San Francisco. Each day I wonder. Each day starts with a level of unsure ness. All that seems to be happening is a certain amount of constant re-arranging. It is tiring. Basically it is some “journal” and I spending too much time together. I have become void in the face of re-arranging my business. It takes all of me not to scrap it all, but then just thinking that hurts. The past few weeks have been so darn confusing, and as I said, tiring. Everyone always said not to go into the arts, over and over. This consistent disrespect for my being has been so deeply ingrained that when someone pays no respect to me it just falls in line with that. And, quite frankly, that is most unacceptable than anything else & I have been letting it happen. I’ve allowed myself to be void and now I am struggling to come back from it. A thick swampy void. For a while, it was as if I had forgotten all that means anything to me. Lost it all. Void.

To work within the void is where the “trick” lives. That this void is actually space – takes some faith. That this void is not loss – takes some talking into. That the way this void is highlighting so many in congruencies between my Self and the work I’m doing, what I am doing and whom I am doing it with is important, uncomfortable, but very important. Nothing new persey – just an active game of hide and seek compiled with some self respect. In the void I was in “re-examination mode”, but in a way that developed with some extra reality.

Removing certain “services” from my repertoire for 2012 and adding in some things that serve me on another level. This is hard for me, it is easy to believe that someone that is focused in the way I am has already been functioning on this level – but I’m here to tell you, it is a learned trait. It is really important to me that my  (Art)work and my life are able to coincide and then, on top of that, income created. These are not the same things. For so long I have been looking at these things as if they were the same, but it is 100% not, related- yes, the same, no. Art vs. Artistic. Period.

Where was I? OH right, The Void. This place is really uncomfortable, pretty much sucks for a while, as for it’s “agitating” qualities.

But, without this void, all is really nothing.

{image courtesy of Clean Socks Project}

On this day of one we have the chance to stand up, or fall down. On this day of one I am choosing to be me. To allow myself to fall into myself. To leave all this doubt and all this confusion behind so that I may contribute. To know where my passion is and to be in line with that, instead of always swirling around so many new ideas. Not that I want them to stop- I am just planning domestication of my convictions in order to cultivate them.

On this day of one, I feel awake. Astrologically things are “going my way” in a sense, and it is really helping me out- to actually feel “in tune” with life again in absolutely the greatest gift and I am turning this leaf over by not wondering when it will all fall away- as is my “habit” – this is me flicking my own forehead with my own middle finger “enough already”- and it is done.

On this day of one I find myself whole and upon this realization tears flow into my eyes- people can see me crying in this coffee shop, but yet I am smiling.

Day of ones.

Last night I exclaimed “I used to be a very motivated person, what happened to me?!?!” and I didn’t just say it, it burst out of me and took something with it. The sound reverberated around me, went back into my head and bounced around in there for a while until it echoed out my eyes and I became blinded by it. With that echo I stopped trying to work and sat. Quietly. Wondering how I can flow with this ocean of a persona I have and not drown in it. I have always been a very good swimmer, not fast but strong. I went to sleep this way- wondering. I woke up reminding myself that there really is no other way besides the unknown. No matter what I do.

Motivation. If I brought any of this up with any of my friends that I see regularly they all have a consistent response. Meditate. Yes, I know meditate. But what I am talking about is something different. So many people ponder “back in the day” as if what they did “back then” is something possible to “replicate”- well, it isn’t! and there is no reason to try that, this is a lesson I learned quite young- but most of the time art related …. But to apply this to my life- takes work- a certain other kind of motivation. So we have to “double up” in this now- digging around in there wondering- where this mess came from… and to top it all off, none of this actually matters. None of this is unique and none of it will make me die. Some of it causes an un-necessary amount of strife because of habit which can lead the way to some suffering – which is exactly where I don’t need to end up again.

So, motivation. To “build” it seems like some foreign language- there is a “drive” missing… shoved deep down… a “non bail out” clause that has to be enacted… and I do believe mine is found in Asana. That if there is one daily thing, it’s that- NOT drawing NOT photo – Asana

{pictured: Khristine Jones}

I am so pleased to be able to offer this new service!

I genuinely am so very pleased that my little studio is working for this!

That I can create a space from scratch and that it can work!

That people can come to my very own space, WE can create something, and they can leave happy!

That I have helped them in some way is such an added bonus, it’s one of those things that can not be explained- words sort of screw it up. Regardless, I am so happy to facilitate personal reflections in this way, each image carries it’s own energy and power and I am so happy to explore this with all of you!

Please, be in contact if you are in the area or will be in the next few months!

EVERY

Wednesday & Friday

Call to schedule!

Same day appointments!

Within 20 minutes and you can be in front of the camera!

415)577-4277

-If you would like to “pre” schedule you can by emailing through the website

http://www.faernworks.com/contact

The FaernWorks Studio is in the Mission neighborhood of San Francisco

100 Treat st. (@18^th st) Activspace #246

**If BOTH Wednesday & Friday do not work for you EVER PLEASE be in contact- I will happily offer other possible times

The past few days I have been carting around some new form of anxiety. It’s surprisingly not showing outwardly- maybe I’m finally learning the difference physiologically between excitement & anxiety…

Either way I believe it’s stemming from fumbling around the launch of my studio portraits. When I started this (opening my little studio) I knew what I was up against inside myself. That I am most definitely my own worst enemy. That I have to figure out most of what I am to do myself. That only I would be the one to make it work, or destroy it all. A conundrum at it’s finest…

So I stood quietly in the middle of my studio, surrounded by all of my equipment, my work, and took a moment to pray and thank. Because there really isn’t much else left to do when you are only up against your belief in the Self.

I knew going into this that I had created my perfect opponent- the one adversary that knows each weakness and each strength, knows each chemical and can undermine each moment of stability by simply cuing “instability”. The only way for this to work out is for me to understand this. But that is NOT saying that there is action in merely understanding the “problem”. The upswing here is that by quietly checking these things out I can see, first hand, how I created these things and that I can do something about it. AND that something is simple- when I start arguing with myself I stop and feel- which part of my system is activating…? And depending on the location, I have my answer … for now… and my personal power is there, regardless of my self-inflicted adversary of the Self.

{model: DeFalco}

Here are a couple pics from my phone (I have some non-phone pics to share soon)

AND, of course

The Bridge

And here I am, from another’s phone

<3 California

Currently my yoga practice is infused with transition. I mean, whose isn’t- right? But this much more precise. I am very much more in tune with interactions, as if I can see the possibilities in each one, not that I didn’t understand that before now – but this brand of infusion allow for me to really see and accept it all. In order for me to come to this place I had to have my face sorta slapped- not literally- but quite obviously nonetheless- and by a complete stranger- facebook “friend” nonetheless. I will refrain from bothering to give that moment any more energy as it was encased in a string of events that provided profound movement and the release of expectations placed on assumed camaraderie due to some pretty mundane “similarities”. Considering that we never really know where the teachings come from I have removed any assumptions based on “what we do” because that does not define the human inside, regardless of the obvious relationship. Same “yoga” Same “field” Same “medium” Same “culture” Same “shirt” same…. “what?” …  means nothing really- we are human overall.

We have reached a point in human societal development where ”kick you while you’re down so we can step on you to move up” is on it’s way out. In this transition we have to wake up. The more we take backwards steps the worse of an effect it will have on everyone around. Take notice of your intentions, you really will do yourself a service, and then, maybe, just maybe there will be a reflection that you can see.

What I have done with all of these moments strung together is take it to my yoga mat so that I may continue the development on my own- So that today can belong to me and not to the people in my head.

In San Francisco it has always seemed a “grab it while you can” mentality to me. And when “summer” actually hits, you never really know when it’s going to happen- it is almost impossible to plan anything- unless you can be “spontaneous” when it comes to scheduling. But as usual I digress…

Random summer in a “catch it while you can” culture based city incites a strange new-ness. It is Fall- the light is changing color and we can actually see it (well, I can) and this “insurgence” of color and light energetically alters the environment. Even if you don’t like “summer” or “heat” this is happening and it is good for us, regardless of the learning curve involved when it comes to getting used to it (well, you never really get used to it I don’t think) It’s part of the magic in this city.

The other day I awoke in a state that changed my life. I can’t begin to express how grateful I am for the people around me. I also cant express how wonderfully astrologically coincidental my “big” healing sessions are (I mean “coincidental”). It seems they always fall right in line with the planets for me, I am so unbelievably in awe of that. If only everything else could just fall in line like that…