F a e r n – I n – T h e – W o r k s

i have been called time warp girl by quite a few people, so i decided to rewind a bit and as i was looking back through the blog i realized that i touch on so many things… and right now, since i am working on a specific series and grant project im even further enthralled.

i guess the grab and run is better than the stick and twist.

essentially what has happened, is somehow i have moved from the images from the i live here sf shoot, just before my mom passed away…

photo compliments of julie michelle, ilivehere:sf project

and

photo compliments of julie michelle, ilivehere:sf project

( http://iliveheresf.com/?p=997 )

to these images becky hurwitz and i did last week

http://www.flickr.com/photos/bexhurwitz/sets/72157624154765777/

"only up from here" photo by becky hurwitz

and

photo courtesy of becky hurwitz

and

"legs up" photo by becky hurwitz

i have no idea. its as if i stepped into my skin. and then looking back at my blog- i just didn’t say anything in that time really. its hard to speak when you are doing the work, so its easy to jump ahead as if there wasn’t anything involved in getting you there- that there weren’t lessons along the way. so shortly after my mom’s passing, my grandmother’s passing its weird to see myself like this- to even be happy – when in actuality each moment of happiness is mixed with just a little relief, guilt and quiet grief.

someone told me, of course this is no quote it was from a very emotional discussion revolving around the amount of time my mom spent with cancer- almost 15 years- that is a damn long time- a super long time- most of my growing up, or attempting with such amounts of uncertainty and more than half of my sister’s life… this person, in this discussion, in realizing this just burst into tears- “now its time for you to finally see who you are” taken out of context- that can be a nasty statement- but taken in context- its so very true.

when living so much time so deeply rooted in uncertainty you become desensitized to the possibilities, somehow a possible immunity to circumstances to come weave themselves in and somehow become a comfort zone. similar to the state of addiction, you start to not even realize you are even there, and you are suffering. 15 years later i faced this demon- one that became a part of me oh so young, so young its sad- and here i am- i survived! i held my mom’s hand as she passed and now i don’t (almost) shudder at my memories b/c i faced them dead on- don’t get me wrong- each time i swing around my apartment and my eye’s meet my mom’s in a photo i just burst into tears- the well is larger as i become happier- but the tap is not as easy to open.

as the depths of despair start to wither away i am left with some very important signals. like, that, i can actually maintain a positive attitude- yes, to a lot of my friends that i practice yoga with- this is no new news- to the rest of the world, apparently it is- BUT NOW, there is an internal feeling of satisfaction, of, well, being in my skin.

after living in such uncertainty for so long, i had to test it. before my mom passed i planted this idea- going with Pete Guinosso and his group to Joshua Tree- a place i had never been, a powerful powerful place- a good test, but also a supported test- i made the plans as if i knew at that time, THIS was the time i was going to NEED to be there- and OH man was it- i simply can not thank Pete and his crew for taking me into their arms

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=125391670817722&ref=ts

and here is where i am adding in pictures:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=166912&id=36555287083

i had no idea how the elements would effect me because i was still partially (still am) desensitized – and boy did they get a hold of me, and i am so grateful- i went there to say hello to myself, and it worked!

so, as i was rewinding the blog i realized that i jumped into working images of the interlude : actuate project i am working on for priceless, and left behind some ideas i wanted to touch on, so hence the rewind~

so, for now, im going to refer you to this post

http://faern-in-the-works.com/2010/06/02/going-and-moving-through/

and leave it at that- oh, and i’ll look at the previous post BEFORE i start writing the new posts to see what ive left hanging- i’ll try that on for a while and see what happens- maybe i’ll be more organized all of a sudden- or maybe i am just really low on blood sugar and should stop typing.

"just half" photo by beck hurwitz