during the past few weeks or days or minutes i have had a very interesting time “expressing” myself.

regresar

i mentioned this briefly here: http://faern-in-the-works.com/2010/04/22/i-havnt-been-writing-much-lately/

i have gone through modes of astounded-ness

creative withdrawal

creative influx and creative loss

but most generally i am paying very close attention to how i am treated, how i treat other people and how others treat other people.

7 of hearts

it has come to my attention that in my opinion i have lost my way, regardless of how some people seek out a negative understanding of that statement, it gravely is not- i have not done anything “wrong” in terms of my path, all i’m saying is that with a world of options there is still a world more.

i will never regret where i have been, and i hold dear every little second of pain and triumph- but its quite clear at this time to me that my biggest accomplishment to date is being there for my mom in her last hours / months / however you want to look at it.

i am ever grateful for the few people that helped me, but i am even more grateful for those that ignored me, your friend, a part of your community in the most trying time to date that not many can empathize with, and that they can not- i am also grateful for-

you heard me right and i am saying it out loud- you ignored your friend when she was caring for her mother in her dieing hours-

and that is the last time i am going to say it. what that has done is change my view . period.

i, understand that its not easy to talk about

i do understand that it sucks

i also do understand that all you had to say was,~hey, i love you, you are doing the right thing but this is too hard for me, too close to home, i have no words -ANYTHING

CL1

but what came from this space was astounding-

first of all, as i said i have a lot to be grateful for~

*my mom’s friends have turned into new mom’s for me in a sense, they have gifted me with an astounding amount of awesome things about my mom

*when i was caring for my mom, my own personal health issues came back in full force and became very dangerous in such a stressful situation- there are people that cared for me from afar in a way i can never underestimate with wordy descriptions and they’re work is extremely personal of the shamanic nature so i will keep their names out of this posting, but they know who they are- i received counseling, clearings, asana, meditations. i also received hundreds of dollars in herbal remedies and emergency stress care-

*online friends, those in which we have never graced time and space together for but in the virtual land- you were there- at odd times for chats about everything, and nothing- and we barely know each other

*my friends that did take the time to talk to me that reached out during the time of care- there are very few people to put here, but i feel weird about putting a list of names and such- im not calling people out, i just want you know know i have noticed and i am grateful

*yoga tree (again, names out for a reason- you know who you are )  gave me some really awesome jivamukti classes from jules fabre when i came back to s.f. for a short visit to get my health back in check which was right before i was returning for the most difficult time in the whole thing, and without that reminder i am sure i would not have been able to sing mantra to my mom in her silence and reel in the most important relationships i am still now developing, and will continue too.

*take note of this: i am not angry, i am not upset- this is called grieving and changing

this weird post was extremely difficult to write as are finding gifts in the muck of life- they are there you just have to pick them up and wipe them off.

tuxedocat

i am still caught of guard when my heart says ” really, did this all happen” or ” i cant believe she’s gone”

and most importantly, the one most difficult thing about returning to regular asana class schedule falls right in the first few minutes of each and every class

the dedication

for years i have been dedicating almost each and every class to my mom, sooner or later when the teacher asks us for a dedication the twinge in my heart will be a comforting one, but for now my dedication is to not burst into tears when i cant choose because of the reminder.

on city

anyhow, thanks for reading

all images taken in Clarion alley, mission san francisco

yesterday